So I’m finally out of the eye of the storm its difficult to really describe how it happens the best way i can describe it is like a fire, i started to come down a week ago (Friday) and by Sunday the last of the fire had burnt its way out and my mood quickly crashed and took me through the floor. This week has been quite literally terrifying – the realisation of how i have treated the people i love has come crashing into my thoughts and the shame and guilt is overwhelming. The realisation that my crazy thoughts and ideas were just that – crazy and without logic. I am lucky that i have been able to speak to and then see my psychiatrist, but it feels double-edged – i have pleaded for help and i now have more meds to try and control my moods – even after twenty years the thought of a lifetime of meds fills me with fear but i cannot risk another major episode or cope with falling lower – the cost is too great. I am very lucky that i have a strong support network – i have spent the week free-falling my anxiety has reached new heights as my mood plummets nothing can distract me from the mental anguish and torment that is going on. I feel utterly overwhelmed by how I feel – the world feels surreal and I have no place in it – it is like watching a movie of what is happening. I am all to aware that this phase or stage of my illness is utterly selfish I cannot get outside of myself to enjoy my children or be aware of anyone else it is allthough a glass wall separates me from the world, nothing can distract me from how i feel and suicidal thoughts pervade my thinking. My wife tells me i am saying the same things i have said after every episode but i cannot avoid the feeling that this time i cannot get back up again – the thought of fighting another year breaks me and further drives the wish to not exist, I crave peace. This may read as dramatic but i feel utterly and hopelessly lost. The simplest task is now mamoth and being arround people is rapidly becoming more difficult – I wish there was a map or a set of instructions to get out of the hole i am in but there isn’t all that exists is darkness. I look at my bike, my trainers, my guitar and my music – all seem pointless and impossible to engage with at the same time – the only comfort i find is in sleep. I have written this in the hope that in a few months i can read this and see that my world and my thinking is being coloured by a lense that somehow like a veil over my world can be lifted.